The Resurrection

Tags

honesty, life, personal, random, resurrection, square one, stream of consciousness, writing

I am really embarrassed right now, simply by the fact that my last post was around 7 months ago. Has time really flown that quickly over the second half of 2014? I sure as hell don’t know, but it seems like it did.

You know how people do that thing when they write a massive life audit entry on their blog, looking back on the year that passed and say the good stuff and the bad stuff and possibly every little thing in between that made it epic? Yeah, I’m probably not going to do that.

In fact, I don’t know why I’m writing this blog at all. I’m writing for the sake of writing. And maybe that’s a good thing, because all I’ve been trying to do for the past couple of weeks is write something significant — something that could possibly be beyond myself.

But what the hell, I’m probably not going to do that either.

Instead, I’m going to begin with the resurrection. Yes. My blog is going to come back to life, and I’m going to continue writing about stupid and insignificant things but they’re my stupid and insignificant things. And I think, therefore — that makes them not stupid and not insignificant — significant, then.

I love how this stream of consciousness thing is going.

Well, just in case you all were still listening somehow, I’m going to start writing again — about books, about my own writing, about what’s going up in my life (it’s so hard to say what’s going down, it might actually go down) and all that jazz.

Happy New Year, crazies. 🙂

When Thought-Vomit Weaves Into A Stream of Consciousness

Tags

late night thoughts, note to self, personal, random, stream of consciousness, thought vomit

Everyone just has one of those nights, right?

On a physical note, I think I’m starting to develop a sore throat. I dunno if it’s an allergic reaction to something, ’cause today I was sneezing like anything on the way to visit my mom in the hospital. I’ve gotten something like this before, and it sucks ’cause my nose is runny and my throat is sore and I’m up at 2:49 AM writing a blog that will probably make no sense because at the moment I make no sense.

Second note — I realize that I haven’t written on my blog in a while. I was about to check the last time I wrote, but then I got lazy so I decided to just jump into it and write anyway. I promised myself that I’d try to keep this going, but sometimes I find myself staring at a screen with the title erased five times over and the straight line where text is supposed to be blinking steadily back at me. Then WB (Writer’s Block, as everyone knows him) simply smirks at me from a dark corner in my head and just lures me back into his arms. He is cold, hard and empty. What makes tonight different? I got drunk on thoughts and I decided to puke all over him. He’s currently glaring at me in disgust, but I’m too inebriated by my thoughts and feelings to care otherwise.

Third note — I hate feeling trapped. I hate the feeling that I’m trying desperately to break free from whatever is chaining me down, but I can’t. Sometimes I don’t even recognize what’s trapping me. Are they chains? Is it a cage? Am I just trapped in a room and someone locked me in? Or am I in a huge-ass labyrinth with hardly any sense of a way out? Regardless of any of these circumstances though, I am still trapped. And I hate that feeling more than my sore throat at the moment, and that’s probably saying something.

Fourth note — Watch Genesis. It’s a blueREPERTORY play that I musically directed. At one point I seriously thought that I wouldn’t invite anybody, but at this point, I suppose it doesn’t hurt. I heard they had a really good show today — probably because I didn’t watch, haha — so I think it’s something that y’all should catch if you’re within the Metro Manila area. The material is excellent, albeit damn difficult, so I think you guys would be interested in it either way.

Fifth note — I was watching Before Sunset until my sore throat pissed me off and I couldn’t enjoy it anymore. I love Before Sunrise and Before Sunset mainly because of its dialogue. I mean, of course the whole story revolves around their dialogue and how everything just magically weaves together in an intricate web of gorgeous European-romantic-feels-movie goodness, and I dunno, I just really appreciate that. Lately it’s just been so hard to find good conversation. Why is it so difficult to sit down over a cup of coffee or a cold beer and just talk about ideas and abstract concepts, things beyond people and the daily grind? Is it because we’re too tired to think? I don’t know. I don’t really have the answers to anything at the moment.

Sixth note — Despite how tired I am, I don’t understand why I’m not sleepy right now.

Seventh note — I’d normally just talk to someone, but said someone is asleep. Funny how in some situations, the tables have turned.

No Big Deal

Tags

cryptic, kilig, personal, random, You

I find myself thinking about you sometimes, usually in between moments when my mind just finished thinking of something important. When my mind finally changes the subject, for some reason it drifts to you.

It’s not a big deal, really.

I mean, you just make me smile often.

You just make me laugh, too.

I just enjoy having you around.

I could possibly be thinking of you a little more than I should.

It’s not a big deal. I promise.

Back To December

Tags

bluerep, christmas, december, family, happiness, love, personal, ramble, random, stages of love

I was studying for my Constitutional Law class tonight (after spending a couple of hours with my favorite people, the blueREPPERS), when I glanced at the clock and realized that it’s December 1. After rushing through all the obligatory “YAY DECEMBER” tweets, it only sunk in now that it’s December.

I’m really fond of this month. Who doesn’t? For me, Alabang weather is so lovely during this time of year. Days are getting chilly and nights even more so, bazaars every weekend (only con: the traffic it takes to get to my parents’ lovely abode), and everyone reflects maturely on the events that transpired from January all the way to this month, plus exude contagious optimism for the year to come. I mean, what’s not to love about December?

If there’s anything that makes me sad about December, it’s my grandfather’s death anniversary. You know how deaths, as the years pass, never really get any easier? Sometimes I hate how my memories of my grandfather seem to blur into vague colors and feelings, and I don’t want that. My favorite image of him is back in the States, in the Campolindo house, stretched over his favorite armchair and his feet draped over the comfiest ottoman I’ve ever seen. We never used to bother him while he watched TV, but we were always welcome to sit on the couch beside his armchair and quietly watch him. I miss him more and more every year, but I know that he’s happy in Heaven.

But ugh, I love December. So many happy things happen during this month, and it is my favorite month – even over my birthday month, because honestly, what epic thing happens in June? I’m pretty sad that they don’t celebrate Independence Day as crazily as the Filipinos do abroad, but before I digress any further, I really just HAVE to say that December in the Philippines is probably one thing that I will never get sick of. It’s the one month of the year when I pray that nobody goes hungry, when the Church is always full at 4 in the morning – and some of my most special friends celebrate their birthdays! The only downside to that – having to save money for the lot. >.<

And how could I even forget family time? My favorite part of December starts during the Christmas break. A couple of friends and I spend Christmas in the South; a bunch of my friends from up North come down and celebrate three days of just hanging out, having fun and drinking cheap whine while playing a random round of Taboo. This is followed by Christmas itself, from spending Christmas Eve with my mom’s relatives, to Christmas Day with my dad’s relatives, to Christmas dinner with my mom’s cousins. Do I need to explain the abundance of good food? I won’t have to – stay tuned to a picture of me, like, ten pounds bigger. This is followed by a week or so spent in the province – ugh, where I eat more food – and followed by a spectacular New Year’s party with the family.

What I’m looking forward to the most? Batangas + Stages of Love 2013! ❤ I CANNOT WAIT!

God. I LOVE DECEMBER. Optimism and happiness shines out of my ass.

Welcome back, Useless Blog Posts

Tags

confused, cryptic, late night thoughts, meh, moments, personal, random, useless blog

It’s that time of night when my friend Ciary and I end up having “feelings suck” time. It’s that time when we send each other Youtube links of songs that make us cry or at least feel something similar to the process of having your heart torn out like in Once Upon A Time. Yeah, Love = Cora/Regina/any other evil person who rips your heart out of your body and can squeeze it to dust and keep you under their control – and on a damn sidenote, did you guys really have to make Killian Jones the sexiest man anyone has ever seen? Really, Once Upon a Time?!

Ciary’s asleep now, I think, but for some reason, I’m having major fragile time alone. Today was very eventful in terms of Stages of Love, and I’m just thinking that my hormones are on major overdrive. I cried twice during rehearsals today listening to the cast sing all those songs about love, and once again I’m reminded of how tonight, I wait for a text from no one, I sleep with my stuffed cat, Lucifie (from Cinderella, whom I adore) and I’m thinking about love in all its nasty forms.

Writing’s been a very good stress reliever, but sometimes I wish I could do something else aside from spill my feelings to the online world and have everyone see the “total agony of being in love” (Love Actually reference!). Okay, so maybe I’m not in love but I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW HOW I FEEL, AND I HATE HOW I DON’T KNOW HOW I FEEL. BUT I’M GOING TO WRITE A BLOG ANYWAY TO START UP A NEW HABIT OF TELLING PEOPLE HOW I FEEL BECAUSE APPARENTLY KEEPING IT ALL INSIDE IS UNHEALTHY.

I think I’m just going to stay up and think about trees and flowers and how flowers wilt and how this suddenly became very important to me again and god I hope you don’t read this because that would be totally embarrassing that I gave it so much thought and you probably don’t care about it and I’m really just going to stop rambling now

Output

Tags

late night thoughts, random, useless blog, writing

Seriously contemplating starting a creative writing blog.

I don’t see the point of this post.

But I really want to start that blog, update it weekly or something. Just to make sure I’m still feeling something – anything.

Maybe I just need your affirmation.

Or you know, just letting you all know that I’m still alive. Or something of that sort. Or maybe also letting me know you’re all still out there somewhere, listening. It makes one feel less alone.

Tags

idiosyncrasies, late night thoughts, law school, personal, random

Sometimes, you wonder if it’s all worth it.

You wonder if, at the end of the day, the sleepless nights, the caffeine embedded into your system, the migraines and the eventual need to wear reading glasses, and eventually the utter exhaustion gnawing at your bones will suddenly dissipate into thin air when you see your name on the list of Bar passers. You wonder if that sudden rush of realizing that you’re finally – finally – a lawyer will wash away all the shit that you went through just to get to where you are.

You can’t see that now; right now you’re poring over trees splattered in ink about criminals and marriages and how something, even the smallest thing, just had to go wrong. And you’re off wondering why the hell you care about these people and their problems that were already fixed way before you were even born, or people trying to justify their stupid mistakes with even stupider reasons. Right now you’re staring blankly at the screen of your computer as you attempt to digest – well, digests, and check your Facebook group every twenty minutes to see if someone posted something important (and well, they hardly ever do). Right now your leg is shaking from too much caffeine in your system, your stomach is grumbling for some food even if it’s 1:25 am and you know you’re better off not eating, you have three pints of ice cream in your fridge out of some impulsive, reckless and satisfying need to calm yourself down and you have a half-finished Word document on notes about a brilliant mind talking about international law, a mind so brilliant that it takes 10% (that’s 7% more than your usual brain capacity, mind you) of your brain cells to even attempt understanding what’s going on through his head.

Sometimes, as much as you hate to think about it, you wonder about what life would be like if you weren’t like this. Would you be exhausted in bed after a day’s work, or would you be staying up looking through Tumblr or your news feed for the next viral Filipino Thor joke? Would you be staring at the ceiling contemplating what your next move is, or would you be utterly satiated knowing exactly what you’re doing, where you’re going and why you’re going there? You wonder about endless possibilities, even if you shouldn’t because you know – somewhere, deep down, that this is where you’re supposed to be. Here, your leg, eyes and brain twitching, trying to understand the Constitution like it’s the back of your hand.

Sometimes, you wonder if it’s all worth it.

But deep down, somewhere in the recesses of your soul – you kind of know.

Another Useless Attempt at Light Non-Fiction

Tags

idiosyncrasies, law school, light, pets, random

With law school just around the corner, I’m trying to salvage the last of my easy, breezy moments before I plunge into the stressful life of a law student. Don’t get me wrong, I am actually quite excited for the life that is to come – Constitution over tons of coffee, hanging out with my blockmates six out of seven days a week, late nights poring over volumes of cases. For a bookworm like me, it almost seems like a brilliant dream that I am just excited to dive into.

Now, how to make this easy, relaxed and totally, completely chill –

I really, really want to bring a pet to my apartment. Our dog at home, Oreo, looks so adorable with her grown out puppy cut – she’s a Shih Tzu, so her hair’s not too short and not too long – and a part of my brain is practically squealing for a puppy. Of course, it will be difficult to have a puppy running around my apartment while I study endlessly over law books, but wouldn’t it be cute to take a breather and hold the most precious little dog in the world until it grows old and kind of ugly?

Maybe I can settle for goldfish or something. But I don’t really like fish unless they’re swimming in the sea with me or fried on a plate, with chips.

What would be the ideal law-student pet? Can law students even have pets at the rate they study? Most coffee shops along Katipunan sport book stands and hordes of hipster-like students reading about the revised penal code, hence no time for them in their apartments to take care of pets. Maybe it could be an imaginary pet – one that can talk and recite the civil code while you attempt to cook microwave dinner or another cup of brewed coffee. An imaginary, talking pet would be an ideal companion in times of crisis – and especially, when you need it to disappear, it will.

You also don’t have to feed it.

Tags

calm, cryptic, honesty, opportunities, random, stream of consciousness

You know that feeling when things are so near, yet so far?

It’s such an awkward feeling – how things are within arm’s reach, but no matter how far you stretch your fingers, they can’t even seem to brush against what you really want. No matter how you stretch your body, arch your back and extend your limbs in a certain direction, you still cannot grasp that thing that you want most. What if they aren’t as close as you thought? What if you were looking through a telescope, a lens of sorts, only to find out that what seemed so close was in reality, just too far for you to even attempt reaching?

Yet you reach for it anyway. You try so hard – tiptoe until you’re standing on your toes, your hands extended as far as they could go, your fingers stretching until your joints crack. You try, because it’s better to say that you failed trying than watch it drift away from you as you stare and do nothing. You reach, because reaching out is better than curling up miserably and saying that you weren’t able to do anything. How could you say that you were unable to do anything without even trying?

What if it’s better though, to just not try at all? What if it’s just like everyone says, everyone’s warned you about? What if it’s better to just play it safe, to not risk bending over backwards to only end up in more pain than the thought of regret? What if it was better to find the neutral balance, than to risk the feelings of extreme happiness and extreme pain that you could go through if you continue trying?

Better yet, what if you just stop thinking – and just go for it?

Tags

frustrated, honesty, love, personal, random

Sometimes, I miss being part of a couple.

I don’t know. It’s more than just having someone to have dinner and catch a movie with. It’s more than having someone to chill with at home or to drive around the village with. It’s more than stolen kisses and holding hands while driving. It’s more than moments, really.

I don’t even know if it’s the entirety of it all. I don’t know if it’s the thought of having someone to bear your soul to, or someone whom you can rely on for anything and everything. I don’t know if it’s the thought of being able to take care of someone affectionately or the thought of being relied on, knowing that you’re wanted. I don’t know if it’s simply because being in a relationship is feeling normal, like this – only knowing there’s someone else there, someone whom you appreciate and love wholeheartedly.

Is it weird to feel like I love so much in general, that sometimes even loving my family and friends isn’t enough? I shower my friends with love and affection, and I do the same with my family. I just – I feel like there’s still so much love in me to give, and to give a different kind to a different person entirely – without really asking for anything in return. No expectations, nothing. Just giving pure, happy love. It just feels like so much sometimes that I want to explode and just – gah. GAH.

That last line didn’t make sense. Well, whatever – not like what I’m saying makes sense either, right?

I don’t know if I’m ready to be in a relationship again – then again, how do you know if you’re ready? – but god, I sure miss being in one.