Insecure –

Tags

getting over it, insecure, personal, repost

Repost from my old blog

–

– is when you’re uncertain, or doubtful.

– is when you’re inadequately guarded or protected, unsafe.

– is when you’re unsteady.

– is when you’re lacking stability.

– is when you’re lacking self-confidence, plagued by anxiety.

I don’t know if people know this, but I am insecure. I am probably one of the most insecure people I know. Sometimes, I wonder why – I try to list a couple of good qualities, to prove to myself that I’m okay, I’m not that bad. And then some things around me happen, and I’m back to square one.

I’m back to square one in the sense that I feel like I’m the piece of irritating, annoying, sticky gum on someone’s shoe. I cling to people; I need to have them reassure me that I’m not as bad as I think I am, that I’m not as horrible, awful or annoying as I used to be. I need to know that the person I was in the past, I am not anymore. I’m not this naive, overly-enthusiastic, borderline pathetic girl who just wanted to feel loved, or liked  – maybe even just accepted. I don’t like thinking that someone and I are not okay, that someone is uneasy with me, that someone doesn’t like who I am. Because I don’t want to think that I did something wrong, that I failed at doing something right again.

I’m back to square one in the sense that the past floods me and drowns me in memories and scars that never seemed to fade away. I think something’s okay when it isn’t, when in fact, things are not okay. I think again of things that possibly made people hate me, or made people not want to be with me. I think of things, actions, words, anything – anything to make me realize or understand what the hell is wrong with me, so I can change and things will be okay again. I wanted to change myself into what you wanted me to be, because then you’ll love me, and then I will be okay.

But then, when I get back to square one, I get thinking. I wonder why it matters so much, to have these people like me and accept me and just take me for what I am. I wonder why I’m dying to understand things that I probably never will understand. I wonder why I want to change, but why I’m not changing for myself instead of changing for other people. I think of a time in my life when I actually just let myself be who I am, who I am really and why people just can’t like me for that. I don’t know why I have this urge to be who everyone wants me to be, even if it means doing something I don’t believe in or just doing something to make people laugh or agree with me. Why do I want people to fit me in, when I feel like I can’t even fit in my own skin?

Why can’t I just be myself, and find people who will love me for that, instead of loving a mask of me? A shell of me?

I’m tired of keeping people close, when all they do is move away after a while. And they push me back to square one, and I find myself thinking. And I’m… I’m really tired of thinking.

–

The funny thing is… Seeing this and reading this, I find myself in another situation. That because I’m too scared that I’ll get hurt, I end up pushing others away. I think that maybe it’s better this way – that they wouldn’t fight for me anyway. I guess I’m still as insecure – just colder.

I came here to tell you how I feel.

Tags

cryptic, frustrated, honesty, how can I even, insecure, late night thoughts, meh, moments, personal, too many feelings

I came here to tell you how I feel, because I am too chickenshit to tell you in person. As confrontational as I usually seem and feel to be, I never am with you. We’ve probably known each other for so long, and in that amount of time, I never really told you how I feel about you – and before you go thinking that this is some sappy, cliched “I’ve been in love with you for so long” letter, I’m already going to tell you that it isn’t. This is just me, writing to you the things that I never had the courage to say to your face. It could be out of fear, self-consciousness, or the mindset that you never really needed to know – but you need to know, or I suppose, I need to tell you.

I came here to tell you how I feel, because I am so tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of keeping it all in, thinking that at some point I’m just going to get used to it and I’m going to numb myself to the feeling. No. I’m not, and I won’t ever be used to this feeling. I shouldn’t be used to this feeling, because I deserve better than this, and we deserve better than words left unspoken and gestures left undone. We deserve better than drifting away, or our friendship dying the way Jack did because he and Rose never took turns on that wooden thing in the middle of the ocean. We deserve better, because our friendship is the kind of friendship that I think is worth fighting for.

I came here to tell you how I feel, because things need to change. I’ve had enough of these recent one-sided conversations, because I miss you. Damn it, I miss saying I miss you without feeling that I’m a bother in your life. I’ve had enough of feeling this desperate, because I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I know I ought to not have any expectations, but as friendships grow, don’t they grow expectations too? Don’t we get used to having people around to lean on, to hug when things get dreary and to laugh when things suddenly lift up? Aren’t we allowed to accommodate this growing comfort zone with each other, with knowing that the person’s always going to be there no matter what circumstance? Because I’ve gotten used to it, I’ve  accommodated this feeling of comfort knowing you’re there – and suddenly, one day, I wake up to find you gone, like footprints that were abruptly washed away by the tide. One day, it felt like you left. You said you wouldn’t leave. I believed you.

I came here to tell you how I feel, because I need to know a couple of things. What do I mean to you? What am I to you now? What was I, what am I and what will I ever be? Why has it come to this? Am I a bother to you? Am I annoying you? Are you growing wearisome of me? Is this going to be it?

I came here to tell you how I feel, because I have answers. You are one of those people I treasure more than anything in this world. I know at one point it may have not seemed that way, but you always were. You are one of my closest loved ones, damn it, and I can’t keep going at this without you. I feel like you’re getting sick of me, the way I’m clinging to you the way you used to cling to me. I feel like it’s unfair – why is it that you can’t do the same for me the way I used to do for you? Is it wrong for me to expect this? Is it wrong for me to want you here the way I was here for you? Am I the person you run to when you need constant reassurance, but when I need you, you’re not there? Don’t you think this is a little unfair? Is it unfair that I feel this way? Is it wrong for me to feel this way? Is it wrong for me to feel that you’re not there?

I came here to tell you how I feel, because I need answers. And I would really, really appreciate it if you would give them to me. Please. 

Tags

getting over it, guts, insecure, late night thoughts, love, personal

Sometimes, you just get the nicest realizations at 1:51 AM, right before you head off to the shower to wipe off the dirt and grime of the day.

I know I haven’t blogged in a while; school’s been hectic and crazy, and hey, who the hell reads this and begs me to post anyway? But that doesn’t matter.

So, what’s the realization?

I was on Thought Catalog – and yes, I do torture myself reading it because sometimes it makes me laugh at how melodramatic we truly are and sometimes it makes me cry because it hits me too close to home. Sometimes I just stare at the screen, reading the words of You vs. Feelings like it was tumbling out of my own head, and I applaud the author at how it was nothing and everything I wanted to hear. But I digress. I was on Thought Catalog, and I stumbled upon this post that was basically about why Summer from (500) Days of Summer was a bitch, and why she couldn’t just tell Joseph Gordon-Levitt that she really just wasn’t interested.

And that’s the bitch, isn’t it? Why can’t people just tell us that they’re not interested so we stop whining and crying about it? Like, really – that’s gonna make us stop? Not really, no. I agree with the author when he tells everyone on the Internet to just stop telling JGL to get over it when he honestly can’t. But that’s just it – what if it’s exactly what JGL needs to hear? Sure, it’s not something he wants to hear – because everyone wants to hear that the one they’re in love with just doesn’t feel the same – but it’s something he needs to hear to be able to just get up and walk away from the situation. He’s totally allowed to whine and moan about it, but c’mon – sometimes you can’t wait. You can’t stick around forever.

I’ve been Joseph Gordon-Levitt, but not in that crazy a situation. I’ve been on the end where I just don’t know if he’s really into me or not – and that hurts, more often than not. I’ve been on the end of over-analyzing the situation, I’ve been on the end of late nights with a pint of ice cream, a chick flick and tons of tears in between. I’ve listened to Taylor Swift like a retard and just stared at the sky wishing on every other star that he felt the same way. But I don’t know – I couldn’t keep doing that forever.

So one day, I closed the blinds, stopped staring at the sky, stared at my reflection – and decided to love myself instead. What’s not to love? Sure, I’ve got skeletons in my closet and a ton of monsters under my bed – something other people don’t have to deal with, but something I personally have to get over. And why not get over them now? Why not face them? Why do I have to wait for my ‘knight in shining armor’ only to realize that I’ve got the sword, the bow and arrow and the armor right here with me?

Because my theory is – if I love myself and appreciate myself in the best way I can, maybe one day someone’s going to see exactly what I see and love it as well. Although that’s not the goal of the whole love-myself thing, I just think it’d be a major bonus. 🙂

Tags

cryptic, frustrated, honesty, how can I even, insecure, passion

When do you know if you’re good enough?

Ever since you were younger, you were constantly reminded – never mind who reminded you – that there will always be someone better than you. And deep down, a resigned part of you accepts that. Nevertheless, you strive to be the best person you can be, just so the feeling of inferiority goes away. After all, there will always be someone prettier, nicer, smarter and just better – might as well make it hard for them to be better than you, right?

But then you’re suddenly faced with a decision, and you wonder if you’re good enough. Sure, you’re qualified – but are you the best? Do you really deserve it? Isn’t there someone better than you? Isn’t there someone, given his or her skills, who can ultimately do the job better?

Is heart going to be enough – really?

When do you know?

Clingy

Tags

clingy, honesty, how can I even, idiosyncrasies, insecure, personal

I have this thing where I tend to get too close to people at the wrong time. When I’m naturally drawn to a person (not even in the sense that I find them attractive, but I find them interesting), I have this tendency to just – for lack of better term, cling to them. I text, I chat with, I talk to – a lot. It’s most likely because I want to find out more about you to see what really interests me about you. But of course, to you, it just seems like I’m getting too close for comfort. In the end, because of that paranoia that I’m invading their emotional-personal space, I withdraw. And once I withdraw from you, the ball’s in your court if you’re willing to take me back.

I have few naturally formed close friendships. They’re the people I really run to in times of need, they’re the people I don’t withdraw from. They’re the people that (for some absurd reason) seem to get me from the first impression, who know what I’m like. They’re the ones who weren’t completely weirded out by my lack of ‘levels of openness’ when it comes to a friendship. They’re also the ones I was naturally drawn to, and they let me in.

To the people who are starting to feel my clinginess, you know what, I’m really just interested in the way you function or the way you think. I may think you’re different or similar to me, and that intrigues me. I’m a naturally curious person – sometimes it comes off as being nosy, but that isn’t my intention – and I’m simply curious about you. Don’t flatter yourself thinking that I’m interested in any other sense.

I just find it so friggin’ hilarious and sad at the same time that there could have been so many developments if you weren’t so freaked out by me. But then again, if I were you, I don’t know – maybe I’d be freaked out by me too.