17 Sunday Mar 2013
Posted in Musings, The Good Stuff
I find myself thinking about you sometimes, usually in between moments when my mind just finished thinking of something important. When my mind finally changes the subject, for some reason it drifts to you.
It’s not a big deal, really.
I mean, you just make me smile often.
You just make me laugh, too.
I just enjoy having you around.
I could possibly be thinking of you a little more than I should.
It’s not a big deal. I promise.
03 Sunday Mar 2013
Do you know how much my heart longs for you?
Its fingers are outstretched, wishing it could touch you. Its eyes find you the moment you walk into a room. Its lips are already parted, ready with a stream of words to begin a conversation with you. It knows when you’re near. It knows when you’re too far. It memorizes every bit of you. It wants you that much.
But, you must know how much my head restrains it.
When my heart’s fingers are outstretched, my head reaches out and folds them closed. My head blindfolds my heart’s eyes the moment you walk in. My head stuffs my heart’s mouth with insecurities, stammers and lame jokes. My head pulls my heart away when you’re near. My head laughs when you’re too far. My head clouds my heart with memories of you, memories that I wish I could forget but I can’t. My head hates you.
My head locks my heart up. My head chides me, “I just don’t want you to get hurt again.” And as much as my heart pleads, begs and cries for you, my head pats my heart gently and murmurs,
“Maybe the next one. Just not this one. Not now. Not ever.”
21 Thursday Feb 2013
Posted in Frustrations
Tags
crying, cryptic, frustrated, guts, honesty, how can I even, late night thoughts, meh, personal, You
I really hate crying. I hate it. I mean, there is nothing and I mean nothing fun about blotchy red eyes, a huge lump stuck in your throat and your heart ripping apart to every wretched sob that leaves your mouth. I hate the headache. I hate the heartache.
I promised myself I wouldn’t cry over you because you’re not worth it. Nobody’s worth locking myself up in the bathroom listening to shitty love songs until I can feel my body break into pieces. Nobody’s worth staring blankly into space for an hour afterwards, trying to get rid of the pounding against my temples.
Do you know how valuable tears are? In Harry Potter, Snape’s tears were used to capture all his precious memories with the one girl he lived for. In The Holiday, Cameron Diaz couldn’t even cry after how many years ever since her parents got divorced. Do you know how much I refuse to cry over you, because you seriously make me feel like I’m the most worthless person who is not worth any of your time?
You may not realize it, but I put so much effort for you. I drop everything, everything to talk to you. God knows what the hell goes on in my head and in my heart when I feel like I could possibly disappoint you, when I feel like there’s a chance I could mess up. But you – god, you don’t see any of it, do you? You don’t see me at all. Sometimes, I even feel like you don’t care.
For the first time, I feel so defeated. But for the first and last time, I’m going to cry over you – over you, me, “us” and whatever the hell is left of it.
I’m fucked. Totally fucked.
21 Monday Jan 2013
Posted in Frustrations, Letters To Someone
Okay, you want a reply? Here’s a reply.
Why don’t you talk to me in person instead of hiding behind a screen? Why don’t you approach me and see what’s wrong with me instead of assuming everything’s okay? Because everything is not okay. We’re not okay. I’m not okay.
You think it’s that easy, to just message me and say sorry and that’s it? Okay, you ignored me after I tell you something as important as what I said. I know you didn’t want to be awkward, but I shoved my pride up my ass and decided to tell you how I feel and you rejected me. The least you could do is try to see if I’m okay instead of just thinking that I am. ‘Cause maybe I was okay then, but I’m not okay now.
You don’t even know half of the things you did to hurt me, and you apologize for the most trivial thing. How about making me a rebound friend? How about not seeing that our friendship went down the drain? How about being insensitive to me and my feelings when you just toss me to the side and pick me up when you run out of people to talk about? Yeah, I’d appreciate it if you said sorry about that. But of course, you wouldn’t know.
I’m not mad. You may think I’m mad, but I’m not. I’m honestly just numb and disappointed. You want to be sensitive? Read this, and grow up a little. I know I’m probably being a hypocrite for not saying this to your face, but for once I’m tired of making the effort to patch up a friendship that maybe only I wanted to fix.
09 Wednesday Jan 2013
Posted in Frustrations, Letters To Someone
Tags
calm, cryptic, frustrated, honesty, how can I even, meh, personal
I know I disappointed you.
You must have had dreams for me — crazy, beautiful dreams of me becoming the most successful thing you have ever seen. I’m sure those dreams were amazing. But they’re your dreams, not mine.
I wish there were a way for me to fulfill your dreams and to be happy doing them. I wish you guys being happy and proud would be enough for me to be happy too. I wish I could change myself so that I could be that girl for you, that one who could make those crazy, beautiful dreams come true. I wish I could make you happy. I just don’t know how I woke up all of a sudden and realized that making you happy is just too hard.
It was easy once. An A, a quiz bee, medals, awards. Behaving properly in Lola’s house. Being polite to all your friends. Getting into honor courses. Dean’s List. It just became more difficult when my future came into play, and suddenly I find myself happy elsewhere — somewhere you probably didn’t expect, because people like me just don’t delve into careers like that, I suppose.
I’m so sad that things became bad. I don’t regret my actions; I stand by them fully and I am aware of the consequences it will bring. But I’m so sad that what’s happening right now is one of them. I didn’t know you were like this, the same way you didn’t know I would be like this.
I just wish there were a way for all of us to be happy. But at some point in my life, shouldn’t I deserve to choose my happiness? Is it being selfish? Or just self-preserving?
22 Saturday Dec 2012
Posted in Frustrations, Musings
Tags
cryptic, frustrated, guts, honesty, late night thoughts, love, meh, You
Would it be easier to just put all the cards on the table?
Would things be better for me to just tell you everything – to tell you what’s going on inside my head, to tell you what’s going on inside my head about you, to ask you the questions I’ve been dying to ask, to let out every painful, confusing thing you’ve done, and to have you clear up that everything that I’ve been thinking was either wrong or right? What would come out of it? What would happen? Would we be okay? Or is this the one-way ticket to messing everything up?
We practically just “survived” the supposed predicted apocalypse. And all throughout the day, I kept thinking that if today were the end of the world, I would tell you how I feel. And I guess I was wrong in hoping that you would do the same thing, because how am I so sure that you’re feeling what I’m feeling? How am I so sure that I mean as much to you as you do to me?
Maybe I’m better off writing you something and telling you in my head. Maybe you’re just better off not knowing. Maybe – I don’t know. I’ve had enough.
04 Tuesday Dec 2012
Posted in Frustrations, Musings
Tags
crazy, cryptic, frustrated, idiosyncrasies, moments, personal
My first and only happy note – WordPress is snowing. And that made me happy, because it doesn’t snow here.
It sucks when people don’t believe that you’re going crazy. They probably think it’s all a figure of speech, an exaggeration of sorts, about how you just can’t seem to handle what’s going on and you kind of want to stop and take a breather. They probably think you’re just whining. You’re just too tired to deal with the shit, so you’re complaining about how you’re going crazy when you’re really not.
But what if you really are going crazy? What if you can’t even begin to comprehend what the fuck goes on in your head? What if you can’t even start explaining what the hell you’re feeling? Are you exaggerating then? Is it a figure of speech then? Will people think you’re whining then?
Is this what it feels like to be crazy? To feel every bit of your brain go ablaze? That suddenly every bit of you, every nook and cranny, every secret compartment has been blasted open? That you don’t even feel safe inside your head anymore? That, at the end of the day, you feel like you’re staring into a reflection of someone whom you used to know when in fact, it’s just you – you just don’t know yourself anymore?
Is this what it feels like when your mind’s on fire?
03 Monday Dec 2012
Posted in Frustrations, Letters To Someone
You are a piece of crap for doing this, okay.
You must think that this is okay, that it’s alright with me that you step in and out of my life. Do I look like a roller coaster to you? Am I some form of amusement that you get to go on and off whenever you please? D’you think that our friendship is like that, really?
I would really appreciate a legitimate reason as to why you are acting this way, and why you’ve been acting this way – because no one deserves to be treated this way. What’s wrong with saying that there’s something wrong, or you’re just not in the mood? What’s wrong with saying that you’re in the middle of something? Really, is that so difficult a task that you’d rather have me figure it out? So if I’m a roller coaster, I have to be a mind reader too?
I would like to be there for you, really. I would like to be an awesome friend to you. I was at this point that I would drop everything for you. I’m not sure if this is a reciprocity thing, but I refuse to be dealt with in this manner. I refuse to be your booty-call friend (just in the sense that you only go to me when you need something) or someone you turn to when no one else is listening. I don’t want to be an option when you’re obviously a priority. I don’t work that way. I don’t want to make a fool of myself.
So, really – ball’s in your court. ‘Cause I’m tired of throwing it at you and having to chase after it myself because you’re too busy talking with other people to play this stupid game.
28 Wednesday Nov 2012
Tags
confused, cryptic, late night thoughts, meh, moments, personal, random, useless blog
It’s that time of night when my friend Ciary and I end up having “feelings suck” time. It’s that time when we send each other Youtube links of songs that make us cry or at least feel something similar to the process of having your heart torn out like in Once Upon A Time. Yeah, Love = Cora/Regina/any other evil person who rips your heart out of your body and can squeeze it to dust and keep you under their control – and on a damn sidenote, did you guys really have to make Killian Jones the sexiest man anyone has ever seen? Really, Once Upon a Time?!
Ciary’s asleep now, I think, but for some reason, I’m having major fragile time alone. Today was very eventful in terms of Stages of Love, and I’m just thinking that my hormones are on major overdrive. I cried twice during rehearsals today listening to the cast sing all those songs about love, and once again I’m reminded of how tonight, I wait for a text from no one, I sleep with my stuffed cat, Lucifie (from Cinderella, whom I adore) and I’m thinking about love in all its nasty forms.
Writing’s been a very good stress reliever, but sometimes I wish I could do something else aside from spill my feelings to the online world and have everyone see the “total agony of being in love” (Love Actually reference!). Okay, so maybe I’m not in love but I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW HOW I FEEL, AND I HATE HOW I DON’T KNOW HOW I FEEL. BUT I’M GOING TO WRITE A BLOG ANYWAY TO START UP A NEW HABIT OF TELLING PEOPLE HOW I FEEL BECAUSE APPARENTLY KEEPING IT ALL INSIDE IS UNHEALTHY.
I think I’m just going to stay up and think about trees and flowers and how flowers wilt and how this suddenly became very important to me again and god I hope you don’t read this because that would be totally embarrassing that I gave it so much thought and you probably don’t care about it and I’m really just going to stop rambling now
30 Sunday Sep 2012
Posted in Letters To Someone
Tags
cryptic, frustrated, honesty, how can I even, insecure, late night thoughts, meh, moments, personal, too many feelings
I came here to tell you how I feel, because I am too chickenshit to tell you in person. As confrontational as I usually seem and feel to be, I never am with you. We’ve probably known each other for so long, and in that amount of time, I never really told you how I feel about you – and before you go thinking that this is some sappy, cliched “I’ve been in love with you for so long” letter, I’m already going to tell you that it isn’t. This is just me, writing to you the things that I never had the courage to say to your face. It could be out of fear, self-consciousness, or the mindset that you never really needed to know – but you need to know, or I suppose, I need to tell you.
I came here to tell you how I feel, because I am so tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of keeping it all in, thinking that at some point I’m just going to get used to it and I’m going to numb myself to the feeling. No. I’m not, and I won’t ever be used to this feeling. I shouldn’t be used to this feeling, because I deserve better than this, and we deserve better than words left unspoken and gestures left undone. We deserve better than drifting away, or our friendship dying the way Jack did because he and Rose never took turns on that wooden thing in the middle of the ocean. We deserve better, because our friendship is the kind of friendship that I think is worth fighting for.
I came here to tell you how I feel, because things need to change. I’ve had enough of these recent one-sided conversations, because I miss you. Damn it, I miss saying I miss you without feeling that I’m a bother in your life. I’ve had enough of feeling this desperate, because I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I know I ought to not have any expectations, but as friendships grow, don’t they grow expectations too? Don’t we get used to having people around to lean on, to hug when things get dreary and to laugh when things suddenly lift up? Aren’t we allowed to accommodate this growing comfort zone with each other, with knowing that the person’s always going to be there no matter what circumstance? Because I’ve gotten used to it, I’ve accommodated this feeling of comfort knowing you’re there – and suddenly, one day, I wake up to find you gone, like footprints that were abruptly washed away by the tide. One day, it felt like you left. You said you wouldn’t leave. I believed you.
I came here to tell you how I feel, because I need to know a couple of things. What do I mean to you? What am I to you now? What was I, what am I and what will I ever be? Why has it come to this? Am I a bother to you? Am I annoying you? Are you growing wearisome of me? Is this going to be it?
I came here to tell you how I feel, because I have answers. You are one of those people I treasure more than anything in this world. I know at one point it may have not seemed that way, but you always were. You are one of my closest loved ones, damn it, and I can’t keep going at this without you. I feel like you’re getting sick of me, the way I’m clinging to you the way you used to cling to me. I feel like it’s unfair – why is it that you can’t do the same for me the way I used to do for you? Is it wrong for me to expect this? Is it wrong for me to want you here the way I was here for you? Am I the person you run to when you need constant reassurance, but when I need you, you’re not there? Don’t you think this is a little unfair? Is it unfair that I feel this way? Is it wrong for me to feel this way? Is it wrong for me to feel that you’re not there?
I came here to tell you how I feel, because I need answers. And I would really, really appreciate it if you would give them to me. Please.
