To my dearest Tiffany —

Tags

bluerep, how can I even, late night thoughts, love, meh, moments, passion, personal, toilet the musical

For those who don’t know, the past four months have been crazy c/o blueREP’s Toilet: the Musical. It’s Day Three since closing night, and I still find myself reeling.

To my dearest Tiffany,

I don’t even know where to begin.

Let me start off by saying that you’re beautiful, in the most fucked up of ways. Not a lot of people see your inner workings, but Abi and I had the pleasure of getting to know you over the past four months. At first, you reminded me of someone I used to know, a caricature of that person whom I had the unfortunate opportunity of being with during some dark, unpleasant times. But as I got to know you, you had some traits of that person that I had forgotten.

It’s a shame that nobody gets to see you past your external frame. Immediately, everyone could possibly judge you for being whiny, self-centered and begging for attention. I don’t disagree — sometimes you were just extremely selfish, but everyone was selfish at that age. You’ve been through some rough times, and you remind me too often of that person I used to know. I resisted getting to know you, concluding you were stupid, shallow and pathetic. Like I said, you were slowly pushing me into a direction I had left a long time ago.

Ejay reminded me that if I constantly saw you that way, that’s what would come out. That wasn’t the story Ejay, Bym or Miyo wanted me to tell. Each character they created — well, we created — had both good and bad sides. I had forgotten that about you. I really can’t thank them enough for letting me get the chance to really know you, despite all my previous judgments of you.

Tiff, thank you for reminding me of the little girl who used to love and dream with all of her. Friends always teased me that I was so big, because only a body like this could house a heart that huge. Thank you for reminding me that I am still capable of loving and dreaming that way, for unabashedly showing someone that I care, despite whatever everyone thinks of me. Thank you for reminding me that maybe, just maybe, if I had the strength to do what you did, I could overcome anything.

Thank you for showing me how to hope despite everything else not going my way. Thank you for reminding me about bleak lights in the darkness, that even the smallest of lights could grow into something bigger, something that could actually save me. Thank you for being an outlet, in the roughest of times. Thank you for showing me the reason why I would always choose the stage, why I would always choose this craft for the rest of my life.

Thank you for bringing me to one of my best friends, and one of my greatest loves.

And now, I cope with the loss of having to let you go.

Goodbye, Tiffany. It’s been swell. I love you.

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Reply –

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cryptic, frustrated, guts, honesty, meh, moments, personal, You

Okay, you want a reply? Here’s a reply.

Why don’t you talk to me in person instead of hiding behind a screen? Why don’t you approach me and see what’s wrong with me instead of assuming everything’s okay? Because everything is not okay. We’re not okay. I’m not okay.

You think it’s that easy, to just message me and say sorry and that’s it? Okay, you ignored me after I tell you something as important as what I said. I know you didn’t want to be awkward, but I shoved my pride up my ass and decided to tell you how I feel and you rejected me. The least you could do is try to see if I’m okay instead of just thinking that I am. ‘Cause maybe I was okay then, but I’m not okay now.

You don’t even know half of the things you did to hurt me, and you apologize for the most trivial thing. How about making me a rebound friend? How about not seeing that our friendship went down the drain? How about being insensitive to me and my feelings when you just toss me to the side and pick me up when you run out of people to talk about? Yeah, I’d appreciate it if you said sorry about that. But of course, you wouldn’t know.

I’m not mad. You may think I’m mad, but I’m not. I’m honestly just numb and disappointed. You want to be sensitive? Read this, and grow up a little. I know I’m probably being a hypocrite for not saying this to your face, but for once I’m tired of making the effort to patch up a friendship that maybe only I wanted to fix.

I’m sorry –

Tags

calm, cryptic, frustrated, honesty, how can I even, meh, personal

I know I disappointed you.

You must have had dreams for me — crazy, beautiful dreams of me becoming the most successful thing you have ever seen. I’m sure those dreams were amazing. But they’re your dreams, not mine.

I wish there were a way for me to fulfill your dreams and to be happy doing them. I wish you guys being happy and proud would be enough for me to be happy too. I wish I could change myself so that I could be that girl for you, that one who could make those crazy, beautiful dreams come true. I wish I could make you happy. I just don’t know how I woke up all of a sudden and realized that making you happy is just too hard.

It was easy once. An A, a quiz bee, medals, awards. Behaving properly in Lola’s house. Being polite to all your friends. Getting into honor courses. Dean’s List. It just became more difficult when my future came into play, and suddenly I find myself happy elsewhere — somewhere you probably didn’t expect, because people like me just don’t delve into careers like that, I suppose.

I’m so sad that things became bad. I don’t regret my actions; I stand by them fully and I am aware of the consequences it will bring. But I’m so sad that what’s happening right now is one of them. I didn’t know you were like this, the same way you didn’t know I would be like this.

I just wish there were a way for all of us to be happy. But at some point in my life, shouldn’t I deserve to choose my happiness? Is it being selfish? Or just self-preserving?

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I don’t even know what to say to you –

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cryptic, frustrated, happiness, honesty, meh, personal

You are a piece of crap for doing this, okay.

You must think that this is okay, that it’s alright with me that you step in and out of my life. Do I look like a roller coaster to you? Am I some form of amusement that you get to go on and off whenever you please? D’you think that our friendship is like that, really?

I would really appreciate a legitimate reason as to why you are acting this way, and why you’ve been acting this way – because no one deserves to be treated this way. What’s wrong with saying that there’s something wrong, or you’re just not in the mood? What’s wrong with saying that you’re in the middle of something? Really, is that so difficult a task that you’d rather have me figure it out? So if I’m a roller coaster, I have to be a mind reader too?

I would like to be there for you, really. I would like to be an awesome friend to you. I was at this point that I would drop everything for you. I’m not sure if this is a reciprocity thing, but I refuse to be dealt with in this manner. I refuse to be your booty-call friend (just in the sense that you only go to me when you need something) or someone you turn to when no one else is listening. I don’t want to be an option when you’re obviously a priority. I don’t work that way. I don’t want to make a fool of myself.

So, really – ball’s in your court. ‘Cause I’m tired of throwing it at you and having to chase after it myself because you’re too busy talking with other people to play this stupid game.

 

 

Dear Self –

Tags

honesty, how can I even, late night thoughts, law school, meh, passion, personal, writing

Don’t give up on writing, please.

I know it’s been a while. Let’s be damn honest here when we say that law, as much as you like it, has been draining almost everything you’re passionate about. You haven’t looked at interiors in months, except for splurging on that one Elle Decor magazine and helping Mom prepare the house for Christmas. Today was the first time in a long time that you’ve watched the Food Network. Watching musicals makes you cry.

And damn it, you haven’t written in forever. Writing used to make you soar. It didn’t matter what you wrote back then – songs, poetry, prose – but when you wrote, all your emotions poured out. You allowed yourself to bare your soul for everyone to see. There was something about it that just… made you feel.

Now you’re stuck in a rut. You don’t write, you hardly read anything for leisure, nothing. You’re closed off and isolated. You keep the most painful things to yourself. And you wake up everyday wondering what the hell you’re doing, why you’re there and why you had to go down this path. You wake up everyday wondering if this is worth it, and not getting an answer. You won’t be getting an answer anytime soon.

Writing doesn’t make things complicated. Writing makes it clearer. Writing reminds you that someone out there feels the exact same way as you, will cry at your words because they resonated all too loudly within themselves and would love to wrap their arms around you to let you know that they’re out there. They exist. And they’re there for you.

But for right now, you’re going to have to settle for imaginary, fictional people who sympathize with you, and trust in the real people there for you. Just… well, breathe. Or at least try to.

I came here to tell you how I feel.

Tags

cryptic, frustrated, honesty, how can I even, insecure, late night thoughts, meh, moments, personal, too many feelings

I came here to tell you how I feel, because I am too chickenshit to tell you in person. As confrontational as I usually seem and feel to be, I never am with you. We’ve probably known each other for so long, and in that amount of time, I never really told you how I feel about you – and before you go thinking that this is some sappy, cliched “I’ve been in love with you for so long” letter, I’m already going to tell you that it isn’t. This is just me, writing to you the things that I never had the courage to say to your face. It could be out of fear, self-consciousness, or the mindset that you never really needed to know – but you need to know, or I suppose, I need to tell you.

I came here to tell you how I feel, because I am so tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of keeping it all in, thinking that at some point I’m just going to get used to it and I’m going to numb myself to the feeling. No. I’m not, and I won’t ever be used to this feeling. I shouldn’t be used to this feeling, because I deserve better than this, and we deserve better than words left unspoken and gestures left undone. We deserve better than drifting away, or our friendship dying the way Jack did because he and Rose never took turns on that wooden thing in the middle of the ocean. We deserve better, because our friendship is the kind of friendship that I think is worth fighting for.

I came here to tell you how I feel, because things need to change. I’ve had enough of these recent one-sided conversations, because I miss you. Damn it, I miss saying I miss you without feeling that I’m a bother in your life. I’ve had enough of feeling this desperate, because I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I know I ought to not have any expectations, but as friendships grow, don’t they grow expectations too? Don’t we get used to having people around to lean on, to hug when things get dreary and to laugh when things suddenly lift up? Aren’t we allowed to accommodate this growing comfort zone with each other, with knowing that the person’s always going to be there no matter what circumstance? Because I’ve gotten used to it, I’ve  accommodated this feeling of comfort knowing you’re there – and suddenly, one day, I wake up to find you gone, like footprints that were abruptly washed away by the tide. One day, it felt like you left. You said you wouldn’t leave. I believed you.

I came here to tell you how I feel, because I need to know a couple of things. What do I mean to you? What am I to you now? What was I, what am I and what will I ever be? Why has it come to this? Am I a bother to you? Am I annoying you? Are you growing wearisome of me? Is this going to be it?

I came here to tell you how I feel, because I have answers. You are one of those people I treasure more than anything in this world. I know at one point it may have not seemed that way, but you always were. You are one of my closest loved ones, damn it, and I can’t keep going at this without you. I feel like you’re getting sick of me, the way I’m clinging to you the way you used to cling to me. I feel like it’s unfair – why is it that you can’t do the same for me the way I used to do for you? Is it wrong for me to expect this? Is it wrong for me to want you here the way I was here for you? Am I the person you run to when you need constant reassurance, but when I need you, you’re not there? Don’t you think this is a little unfair? Is it unfair that I feel this way? Is it wrong for me to feel this way? Is it wrong for me to feel that you’re not there?

I came here to tell you how I feel, because I need answers. And I would really, really appreciate it if you would give them to me. Please. 

The Thing About Newbies

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bluerep, happiness, how can I even, newbie, personal, tribute

I think the best thing about being around newbies is that interesting feeling – you think you know so much about something, yet you still manage to learn something as well. When I was asked to do a cameo for this year’s blueREPERTORY newbie production, I just figured that I’d be hanging around, watching them blow me away or bore me to death. Once again, God manages to surprise me and throw me completely off-course.

One of the things I loved about this production is the fact that my Freakshow newbies are finally all grown up. It’s crazy; it seems like yesterday when they were the bright young faces of blueREP, eager to learn and to perform like it was what they lived for. Now, they’re the ones taking charge and taking care of the newbies, teaching them everything they know, things that I could have possibly taught them and things that I really think they learned on their own. It’s like a mother watching her children walk or ride a bike for the first time without her help. It was such a beautiful sight, and I’m glad to know that one way or another, they are doing just fine after we graduated. Special mention to my babies, Aldrich, Lara, Boo and Prince – you guys did it, and you guys did it together! 🙂 I have never been prouder of my children the way I am so proud of you guys.

L-R: Prince, Lara, Aldrich and Me. Boo, where were you!?

Another thing I loved was, well – the current newbies. I admit at first I didn’t really warm up to them; I didn’t think I would have to interact so much with them except for Jenna because she would be my daughter. Little did I know that I would be more involved with them than I ever thought I’d be. From talking to them about how they imagined Camp Ovation to be, to intense tech week rehearsals and fighting for an energy that would be beyond our own capabilities, to exchanging stories backstage and improvising about different things in the play, they slowly inched their way into my heart in a way reminiscent of the Freakshow newbies themselves, and even to some extent, me. I think a big part of why we got along so well was the fact that they were willing to share parts of themselves with me – their talent, their sense of humor, the energy that pops off like anything offstage (which I think should have transcended even MORE onstage), and everything in between. I enjoyed every minute of my three-week stay with these guys, and before I knew it, they were calling me “mama,” hugging me, laughing at my bitchy comments and making me cry at the end of the production. I feel so privileged to witness the last bit of growth that occurred during the production, and I am happy to say that great things should be expected of them if they continue to open themselves to the learning experiences in blueREP. This is just the beginning, guys – don’t close yourself off from learning even more. 🙂

Thank you so much for the amazing experience. I am so happy to have worked with you all, and here’s to hoping I get a chance to work with you all again in the future. 🙂 You guys may be my third set of babies, but I do love you all tons. ❤

Hey, Summer Campers! 🙂