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For those who don’t know, the past four months have been crazy c/o blueREP’s Toilet: the Musical. It’s Day Three since closing night, and I still find myself reeling.

To my dearest Tiffany,

I don’t even know where to begin.

Let me start off by saying that you’re beautiful, in the most fucked up of ways. Not a lot of people see your inner workings, but Abi and I had the pleasure of getting to know you over the past four months. At first, you reminded me of someone I used to know, a caricature of that person whom I had the unfortunate opportunity of being with during some dark, unpleasant times. But as I got to know you, you had some traits of that person that I had forgotten.

It’s a shame that nobody gets to see you past your external frame. Immediately, everyone could possibly judge you for being whiny, self-centered and begging for attention. I don’t disagree — sometimes you were just extremely selfish, but everyone was selfish at that age. You’ve been through some rough times, and you remind me too often of that person I used to know. I resisted getting to know you, concluding you were stupid, shallow and pathetic. Like I said, you were slowly pushing me into a direction I had left a long time ago.

Ejay reminded me that if I constantly saw you that way, that’s what would come out. That wasn’t the story Ejay, Bym or Miyo wanted me to tell. Each character they created — well, we created — had both good and bad sides. I had forgotten that about you. I really can’t thank them enough for letting me get the chance to really know you, despite all my previous judgments of you.

Tiff, thank you for reminding me of the little girl who used to love and dream with all of her. Friends always teased me that I was so big, because only a body like this could house a heart that huge. Thank you for reminding me that I am still capable of loving and dreaming that way, for unabashedly showing someone that I care, despite whatever everyone thinks of me. Thank you for reminding me that maybe, just maybe, if I had the strength to do what you did, I could overcome anything.

Thank you for showing me how to hope despite everything else not going my way. Thank you for reminding me about bleak lights in the darkness, that even the smallest of lights could grow into something bigger, something that could actually save me. Thank you for being an outlet, in the roughest of times. Thank you for showing me the reason why I would always choose the stage, why I would always choose this craft for the rest of my life.

Thank you for bringing me to one of my best friends, and one of my greatest loves.

And now, I cope with the loss of having to let you go.

Goodbye, Tiffany. It’s been swell. I love you.