, , ,

Repost from my old blog

– is when you’re uncertain, or doubtful.

– is when you’re inadequately guarded or protected, unsafe.

– is when you’re unsteady.

– is when you’re lacking stability.

– is when you’re lacking self-confidence, plagued by anxiety.

I don’t know if people know this, but I am insecure. I am probably one of the most insecure people I know. Sometimes, I wonder why – I try to list a couple of good qualities, to prove to myself that I’m okay, I’m not that bad. And then some things around me happen, and I’m back to square one.

I’m back to square one in the sense that I feel like I’m the piece of irritating, annoying, sticky gum on someone’s shoe. I cling to people; I need to have them reassure me that I’m not as bad as I think I am, that I’m not as horrible, awful or annoying as I used to be. I need to know that the person I was in the past, I am not anymore. I’m not this naive, overly-enthusiastic, borderline pathetic girl who just wanted to feel loved, or liked  – maybe even just accepted. I don’t like thinking that someone and I are not okay, that someone is uneasy with me, that someone doesn’t like who I am. Because I don’t want to think that I did something wrong, that I failed at doing something right again.

I’m back to square one in the sense that the past floods me and drowns me in memories and scars that never seemed to fade away. I think something’s okay when it isn’t, when in fact, things are not okay. I think again of things that possibly made people hate me, or made people not want to be with me. I think of things, actions, words, anything – anything to make me realize or understand what the hell is wrong with me, so I can change and things will be okay again. I wanted to change myself into what you wanted me to be, because then you’ll love me, and then I will be okay.

But then, when I get back to square one, I get thinking. I wonder why it matters so much, to have these people like me and accept me and just take me for what I am. I wonder why I’m dying to understand things that I probably never will understand. I wonder why I want to change, but why I’m not changing for myself instead of changing for other people. I think of a time in my life when I actually just let myself be who I am, who I am really and why people just can’t like me for that. I don’t know why I have this urge to be who everyone wants me to be, even if it means doing something I don’t believe in or just doing something to make people laugh or agree with me. Why do I want people to fit me in, when I feel like I can’t even fit in my own skin?

Why can’t I just be myself, and find people who will love me for that, instead of loving a mask of me? A shell of me?

I’m tired of keeping people close, when all they do is move away after a while. And they push me back to square one, and I find myself thinking. And I’m… I’m really tired of thinking.

The funny thing is… Seeing this and reading this, I find myself in another situation. That because I’m too scared that I’ll get hurt, I end up pushing others away. I think that maybe it’s better this way – that they wouldn’t fight for me anyway. I guess I’m still as insecure – just colder.