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I know I disappointed you.

You must have had dreams for me — crazy, beautiful dreams of me becoming the most successful thing you have ever seen. I’m sure those dreams were amazing. But they’re your dreams, not mine.

I wish there were a way for me to fulfill your dreams and to be happy doing them. I wish you guys being happy and proud would be enough for me to be happy too. I wish I could change myself so that I could be that girl for you, that one who could make those crazy, beautiful dreams come true. I wish I could make you happy. I just don’t know how I woke up all of a sudden and realized that making you happy is just too hard.

It was easy once. An A, a quiz bee, medals, awards. Behaving properly in Lola’s house. Being polite to all your friends. Getting into honor courses. Dean’s List. It just became more difficult when my future came into play, and suddenly I find myself happy elsewhere — somewhere you probably didn’t expect, because people like me just don’t delve into careers like that, I suppose.

I’m so sad that things became bad. I don’t regret my actions; I stand by them fully and I am aware of the consequences it will bring. But I’m so sad that what’s happening right now is one of them. I didn’t know you were like this, the same way you didn’t know I would be like this.

I just wish there were a way for all of us to be happy. But at some point in my life, shouldn’t I deserve to choose my happiness? Is it being selfish? Or just self-preserving?

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