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I came here to tell you how I feel, because I am too chickenshit to tell you in person. As confrontational as I usually seem and feel to be, I never am with you. We’ve probably known each other for so long, and in that amount of time, I never really told you how I feel about you – and before you go thinking that this is some sappy, cliched “I’ve been in love with you for so long” letter, I’m already going to tell you that it isn’t. This is just me, writing to you the things that I never had the courage to say to your face. It could be out of fear, self-consciousness, or the mindset that you never really needed to know – but you need to know, or I suppose, I need to tell you.

I came here to tell you how I feel, because I am so tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of keeping it all in, thinking that at some point I’m just going to get used to it and I’m going to numb myself to the feeling. No. I’m not, and I won’t ever be used to this feeling. I shouldn’t be used to this feeling, because I deserve better than this, and we deserve better than words left unspoken and gestures left undone. We deserve better than drifting away, or our friendship dying the way Jack did because he and Rose never took turns on that wooden thing in the middle of the ocean. We deserve better, because our friendship is the kind of friendship that I think is worth fighting for.

I came here to tell you how I feel, because things need to change. I’ve had enough of these recent one-sided conversations, because I miss you. Damn it, I miss saying I miss you without feeling that I’m a bother in your life. I’ve had enough of feeling this desperate, because I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I know I ought to not have any expectations, but as friendships grow, don’t they grow expectations too? Don’t we get used to having people around to lean on, to hug when things get dreary and to laugh when things suddenly lift up? Aren’t we allowed to accommodate this growing comfort zone with each other, with knowing that the person’s always going to be there no matter what circumstance? Because I’ve gotten used to it, I’ve  accommodated this feeling of comfort knowing you’re there – and suddenly, one day, I wake up to find you gone, like footprints that were abruptly washed away by the tide. One day, it felt like you left. You said you wouldn’t leave. I believed you.

I came here to tell you how I feel, because I need to know a couple of things. What do I mean to you? What am I to you now? What was I, what am I and what will I ever be? Why has it come to this? Am I a bother to you? Am I annoying you? Are you growing wearisome of me? Is this going to be it?

I came here to tell you how I feel, because I have answers. You are one of those people I treasure more than anything in this world. I know at one point it may have not seemed that way, but you always were. You are one of my closest loved ones, damn it, and I can’t keep going at this without you. I feel like you’re getting sick of me, the way I’m clinging to you the way you used to cling to me. I feel like it’s unfair – why is it that you can’t do the same for me the way I used to do for you? Is it wrong for me to expect this? Is it wrong for me to want you here the way I was here for you? Am I the person you run to when you need constant reassurance, but when I need you, you’re not there? Don’t you think this is a little unfair? Is it unfair that I feel this way? Is it wrong for me to feel this way? Is it wrong for me to feel that you’re not there?

I came here to tell you how I feel, because I need answers. And I would really, really appreciate it if you would give them to me. Please. 

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