, , , ,

Sometimes, you wonder if it’s all worth it.

You wonder if, at the end of the day, the sleepless nights, the caffeine embedded into your system, the migraines and the eventual need to wear reading glasses, and eventually the utter exhaustion gnawing at your bones will suddenly dissipate into thin air when you see your name on the list of Bar passers. You wonder if that sudden rush of realizing that you’re finally – finally – a lawyer will wash away all the shit that you went through just to get to where you are.

You can’t see that now; right now you’re poring over trees splattered in ink about criminals and marriages and how something, even the smallest thing, just had to go wrong. And you’re off wondering why the hell you care about these people and their problems that were already fixed way before you were even born, or people trying to justify their stupid mistakes with even stupider reasons. Right now you’re staring blankly at the screen of your computer as you attempt to digest – well, digests, and check your Facebook group every twenty minutes to see if someone posted something important (and well, they hardly ever do). Right now your leg is shaking from too much caffeine in your system, your stomach is grumbling for some food even if it’s 1:25 am and you know you’re better off not eating, you have three pints of ice cream in your fridge out of some impulsive, reckless and satisfying need to calm yourself down and you have a half-finished Word document on notes about a brilliant mind talking about international law, a mind so brilliant that it takes 10% (that’s 7% more than your usual brain capacity, mind you) of your brain cells to even attempt understanding what’s going on through his head.

Sometimes, as much as you hate to think about it, you wonder about what life would be like if you weren’t like this. Would you be exhausted in bed after a day’s work, or would you be staying up looking through Tumblr or your news feed for the next viral Filipino Thor joke? Would you be staring at the ceiling contemplating what your next move is, or would you be utterly satiated knowing exactly what you’re doing, where you’re going and why you’re going there? You wonder about endless possibilities, even if you shouldn’t because you know – somewhere, deep down, that this is where you’re supposed to be. Here, your leg, eyes and brain twitching, trying to understand the Constitution like it’s the back of your hand.

Sometimes, you wonder if it’s all worth it.

But deep down, somewhere in the recesses of your soul – you kind of know.