One trait that I always envied from my best friend is how detached she is. A lot of people normally see her as cold, aloof and distant when she’s really just more of a private person. With her, no matter how painful something is, she’s like Hans Christian Andersen’s Little Mermaid – smiling and graceful amidst the broken glass piercing her feet. When something hurts her, she doesn’t break down in front of anyone. If she can, she doesn’t break down at all.
I’m the total opposite. I’m extremely emotional. You can tell what I’m feeling by the look on my face. When something hurts me, my tear ducts seem to lose control and I’m releasing tears faster than the Trevi fountain. I’m clingier than most, and for some reason, I do not seem to understand the phrase, ‘Let go.’ I’m not saying that it’s wrong to be completely emotional, because showing emotions indicate how strongly you feel about something sometimes. I’m just wishing that I knew how to hide them more. I wish I knew how to be detached.
Maybe if I were less attached, less people will hurt me. Maybe if I were less attached, some people will actually stick around. Maybe if I actually knew how to keep my mouth shut, some people would realize that I’m not as weird as I originally appear to be.
So many maybes. So many insecurities.
I’m clingy because I care. But sometimes, I fear that I’m clingy because I don’t want to be alone – that I’m not even choosy anymore about who I’m clinging to, as long as there’s someone holding on as tightly as I am. I don’t want to be that type of person. No. I’m not that type of person.
I’m clingy because I miss you. I’m clingy because I like having you around. But one day, I wish I could just wake up and realize that there are times when I’m better off alone.