As a child, I never liked to lose. I wasn’t one of those kids who were all about playing the game and having fun. Nope, I played to win. When I was in kindergarten, I was a shy kid – the quiet girl who didn’t really know how to make friends. I don’t know if that’s particularly believable to you, but being shy was something I was really good at. I didn’t like fighting, so I let the boys take over the nicer swings (and really boys, I loved how that didn’t emasculate you at all) and the other more outgoing girls take the lamer swings. At least they had swings, right? ‘Cause I was left at the monkey bars, dangling there with a couple of other shy girls. We didn’t like the monkey bars, but I didn’t have the balls to say so back then.
If there was one thing that Woodrose taught me though, it was to be competitive. Although they had this bull about good sportsmanship, there was just something about my batch that didn’t happen to agree with that. I could say that WR Batch 2008 held some of the most competitive girls ever – me included. I competed in quiz bees and spelling bees and the occasional Intramural games (I’m not sporty, as you all know), and I relished the taste of victory. However, if someone I was competing with actually wanted me to win, that’s when I chose not to compete at all. I had friends who constantly competed with me in terms of my academics, friends who kept pushing me to be like them so I can have that gold certificate/medal at the end of the year – yeah, that’s not my thing. I didn’t want to be like you.
It was only in college that I realized how much I hated losing. I realized how much I don’t want to take risks if I don’t know for certain that I’m going to get it. I realized how much my self-esteem relied on winning, because losing really equaled to failing. I realized that deep down, I really didn’t want to lose because if I lost something of value, it would mean breaking. And I hated breaking as much as I hated losing.
However, I laugh if you really think I lost. You must think you’re so clever. But this – this isn’t a game. ‘Cause if it were, if you look at it, you didn’t win anything. If you think I lost, you’ve got to be kidding me – because I’ve gained more than you could ever imagine. At the end of the day if we tally the points, honey – I’ve got it all. And when someone beats you at your own strategy, well – you still lost.
You may have ‘won’ the battle, but I apologize, love – I’ve already won the war.