Remember when I said I was renovating myself? Yeah, I don’t think I was doing a pretty good job.
I’m in the midst of writing my case study for my Psychology class, and I came upon this thought that had been constantly on my mind ever since the newbie graduation/sem-ender last Saturday – that I wasn’t really changing, and if I were, I wasn’t changing for the better. I was so needy for the opinions that other people thought of me, I clung onto my friends for the decisions I needed to make, I relied on them to motivate me and to make me happy when really, that wasn’t something that they were required to do. Because I was so clingy, someone made me realize that maybe, just maybe, I was becoming a bit selfish with my friends.
I’m not trying to justify my actions by writing this next paragraph. I’m writing what’s going through my mind for me to understand why I did this and to acknowledge and accept that this is wrong. I need to know where I messed up in order to fix myself for the future and for my bigger, better self. Anyhow – the reason why I was so selfish and clingy to my friends is because I haven’t exactly… moved on properly. I was hurrying myself up, distracting myself with other things and other people so the pain would go away. Despite my close friends telling me that this shit took time, I constantly refused to accept that it needed to take long. I wanted to get over it now. I wanted to say that I was completely fine and that things would be okay, that it didn’t have to hurt anymore because I didn’t want it to. Obviously, that’s just not how we go. It’s a matter of feeling that I’m not losing another battle with myself or with you. It’s a matter of knowing that I’m fine so I can get through with this. I guess the piling up of all these things happening in my life, one by one, made me reach a point where I was constantly whining and crying, telling my friends to find a way out for me instead of me finding it out for myself.
I am proud of a couple of things that happened in the past few months, but I’m not proud of the latter half. It mostly consisted of breaking down, complaining and wondering when all of this will be over. Where was the strong, happy girl everyone was talking about? Oh yeah, she was drowning in the pile of shit that was her problems and she was expecting her friends to pull her out of it. I didn’t know that the only way to get out of that shit is to do it myself. When the shit hits the fan, it hits me – not my friends, not my family but me. And they may help me get out of it, but ultimately only I have the strength to brush every piece of shit off and walk out of this stronger.
I have you to thank. You have no idea how much you’ve helped me in the past few months, and you have no idea how much it means to me. I’m glad I have all my friends, but I’m especially glad I have you. Thank you for everything and for knocking some sense back into my head. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t want to change like this. I’m making it sudden, because I need to get used to the fact that I’m charging my problems head-on and that there are some problems I just cannot fix.
So, here I am – changing for the better, hopefully. I am strong, and I can do this. Here’s to Renovation 2.0. Let’s hope it works better.