The hardest thing about thinking you’re okay is waking up one day and remembering that on certain days, you’re just not.
I hate this feeling, because it nags at me for the rest of the day. It’s not an overwhelming feeling, not like the first time, but it’s that kind of emotion that creeps up on me during my idle moments, those moments where I’m just lost and exhausted and everything feels wrong. It doesn’t stay there for long, but it leaves me feeling bothered – and that’s probably not going to change for the rest of the day. And as much as I try to change the direction of my emotional journey for the day, it will always stray back, back to that lonely disgusting road of low self-esteem and worth.
I hate this feeling because it makes me think. It makes me think of everything – good things, and bad – and remembering that I just can’t think about these things anymore because they’re behind me. It makes me think of what I could have done, what everyone else could have done, and realizing that nothing can be done. Not anymore. It’s all over, and we can’t do anything about that. Not really. It makes me think of you, what you could have said, thought or done, and realizing that if you wanted to do it, you would have. And well, you didn’t.
It’s not that I’m at square one. I’m not. It’s all just part of this stupid process, this thing called ‘getting over someone’ when at the end of the day, I don’t think I can really ever get over someone. I think I’m just that type of person that remembers every impact someone made on my life – friend or not – and how I’m probably never going to forget it. I never really get over people. Besides, it’s difficult to get over it when they leave so much marks I can’t erase.
The only thing I’m holding onto is the fact that one day, I’m going to wake up again – and I’m going to feel nothing. I’m not going to feel nothing because it’s numb, but I’m going to feel nothing because that is truly how I feel. Indifferent, not anesthetized.